The Hopeless Griever

I caught a glimpse of your eyes today

Underneath all these sufferings

I found a sense of comfort

You are the moment I press to stop

You are the ignorance I cheated

You are the secret I obscured

Your face is my absolute hunt

Your voice, unknowingly, becomes my song

How should I bear this selfishness alone?

What price should I put to repay the favor for an abolishment?

Where should I place this worthless dignity?

The bonds I tied

How do I preserve them like the way before?

This foolish heart,

How did it bring the fondness closer?

When I undoubtedly sworn for your heart as untouchable

How should I survive with this incurring cost?

Will these longings be the savior?

A very brief period of time with your presence

Has assured me with ultimate relief

Whenever you unlocked those smiles

When the reality disclosed,

I question the certainty

I question the consequences after

Will I be the best protector or the injurer?

I saw you in my deepest dream

A series of unrighteous images and thoughts that suffocated me

But why did it become a pleasure when I am awake?

Because our presence resembles strongly

With my heart,

I desire the forgetfulness to clear this yearn

 And leave the remaining pieces behind

While walking the same pathway

At the end of this way I walked on

I, who was about to take for another road

How could you chase after the farewell?

Why can’t the abandonment be the one you offer?

But a possibility

       Tonight, I walk with my own shadow

Why only solemnity that surrounds me?

Does somber what emblazoned me?

Tonight, I sit under the stars

Reaching out my two cold hands and pick the brightest one among all

So, my heart won’t be dark anymore

So, my two hands will be embraced by warmth

But, why does my heart find a vague assurance?

Wrapped inside the coldness of the night

I sunken my two eyes in grief

In my heart all I have is pain,

The repeated episodes of waiting

Has now become an exhaustion

How could this tormenting feeling be unaffected? 

I, who has lost its purpose;

You, who refused to decline;

Let us lock the past as reminiscence

Because weariness is the only guarantee

Each day,

I tried to flip my heart with a new page

Waiting for a new chapter to come ahead

But why did I stop before I make the next turn?

Each day,

I forced my sight from returning to its origin

Acted as the strongest,

Seeking the smiles that have been missing

Summer changes, winter enters

Everyone lives carrying the worries

Desperately grieving from the pasts

I, who unknowingly become one,

Will forever be the payback?

Today, I escaped myself from the severe infliction

Today, a momentary view of you become ordinary

And now, the grief is tolerable

Though the past seems bitter

But the flavor is what sweetened the present and tasteful for the future 

*****

Who knows, someday, sometime...what we wrote unintentionally & without an absolute purpose will come back at us unknowingly. 

The day when we read back what came straight from our cognition, will shame & embarrassment follow next? 

What if you are left with two distinct choices, when Allah tested your fragile heart with his little examination. When only doubt and uneasiness filled the room. Behind those smiles & laughters accompanied along the conversations you had, the pain & sinful episodes of your life were actually you have. 

*****

"Ya Allah, peliharalah hatiku yang hanya menemui nafsu di dalam pencarian ini. Peliharalah hatiku agar tidak sekali-kali meniggalkan diri-Mu di pertengahan jalan. Jadikanlah cinta-ku cinta yang sentiasa meninggikan-Mu & tidak pernah kurang akan sukatannya. Limpahkanlah rahmat di dalam kasih ini. Janganlah Engkau palingkan diriku dengan kecantikan duniawi yang hanya diselaputi dosa & nafsu yang menodai.

Ya Allah, sekiranya itu yang KAU perkenankan buatku, permudahkanlah perjalananku bersama kasih itu. Biarkanlah cinta & kasih itu yang Halal di agama-Mu. Jadikanlah ianya sebagai satu pembimbing yang terbaik, seperti mana yang telah Engkau kurniakan kepadaku dengan lelaki bernama bapa & juga saudara-saudara lelaki ku. 

Sekiranya kekecewaan & kesedihan yang ku temui di pertengahannya, jadikanlah Ia kerana kesedihan meninggalkanmu. Sekiranya kegembiraan yang menjadi pengubatnya, jadikanlah Ia kerana mengingatiMu adalah selalu. 

Ya Allah, peliharalah hati ini. Perhiasilah akan ia dengan permata kasih-Mu dan janganlah Engkau dekatkannya dengan racun yang membunuh, dan peliharalah jua akhlakku dihadapan mata-mata yang memandang agar hanya rahmat-Mu menjadi pemberian terbesar buatku" 

Amin~